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New Theme Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gv7kpYS5DaQ


I have not been home, since you left long ago
I'm thumbing my way back to heaven...
Counting steps, walking backwards on the road
I'm counting my way back to heaven...

I can't be free with what's locked inside of me...
If there was a key, you took it in your hand
There's no wrong or right, but I'm sure there's good and bad
The questions linger overhead...

No matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead
I'm thumbing my way back to heaven
I wish that I could hold you
I wish that I had
Thinking 'bout heaven...

I let go of a rope, thinking that's what held me back
And in time I've realized, it's now wrapped around my neck...
I can't see what's next, from this lonely overpass
Hang my head and count my steps, as another car goes past...

All the rusted signs we ignore throughout our lives,
Choosing the shiny ones instead
I turned my back, now there's no turning back...


No matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead
I smile, but who am I kidding?
I'm just walking the miles, every once in a while I'll get a ride
I'm thumbing my way back to heaven...

Thumbing my way back to heaven
I'm thumbing my way back to heaven...


*
My career is finally taking off. And by taking off, I mean "starting to exist again". I'm quite happy about this. :)

I've been all over Philly & South Jersey since this month, running sound & designing lights for theatre productions, including the opera I'm helping with now. I'm essentially just programming & board-opping, and let me tell you... doing opera lighting is Boring As Shit. If I was the LD it'd be different, but not much better. I know it sounds uncultured to say so, but opera = Yawny McNappington.

Fuck it. I got into this field because I love grunge music. :P

Crap & RamblingzCollapse )

That's a drop in the bucket, compared to what's really on my mind, though. I'm sitting here listening to Pearl Jam's *Vitalogy*, talking to Jonathan... Realizing that other that work, any strong emotional connexion I have in or to this area has totally gone tits-up, and one one hand that sucks...

And on the other?

I don't care anymore. I just want to get out of here and totally reinvent my entire life.


*Nothingman* by Pearl Jam
[audio starts 20 seconds in]


Once divided...
nothing left to subtract...
Some words when spoken...
can't be taken back...
Walks on her own...
with thoughts she can't help thinking...
Future's above...
but in the past, she's slow and sinking...

Caught a bolt of lightning...
cursed the day he let it go...

Nothingman...
Nothingman...
Isn't it something?
Nothingman...

She once believed...
in every story he had to tell...
One day she stiffened...
took the other side...
Empty stares...
from each corner of a shared prison cell...
One just escapes...
one's left inside the well...

And he who forgets...
will be destined to remember...


Oh, she don't want him...
Oh, she don't need him...
after he's flown away...
Oh, into the sun...
into the sun...

BURN...
BURN...

Nothingman...
Nothingman...
Isn't it something?
Nothingman...
Nothingman...

Could've been something...
Nothingman...


*

WOOOOOT

Well that was certainly a pleasant surprise... :D

Just got a callback from Stage Left Productions. I'm going to be running the sound for "The Last Five Years" this weekend and the next. The gig actually PAYS, and it's a bit more than I was expecting, also.

Please hold, while I fucking whoop for joy.

...

OK. :)

I'm better now.

*

I'm gonna break my rusty cage... and run

Making the decision to cut someone out of your life entirely is really hard. Even when they don't deserve a fraction of the love or kindness or loyalty you've shown them. Those are things that people should earn, at least to some extent.

At least I know, despite whatever minor awkwardness happens among our mutual friends, despite certain professional opportunities I may have lost out on (or which may have been yet more empty promises), I KNOW that I'm way better off. I will never give my heart away so blindly again.


Nothing's so loud...
as hearing when we lie.
Truth is not kind,
and you said neither am I...

Nothing's so cold...
as closing the heart,
when all we need
is to free the soul...
but you wouldn't be that brave,
I know

and it won't matter now...
whatever happens will be...
though the air speaks of all we'll never be,
you won't trouble me..."


~~Toad the Wet Sprocket


*

A Pause Between Chapters

Ohh, LiveJournal...

You and me have a date. A long, ridiculous, furious session of words, where I am going to scrape out every last particle of bullshit I can possibly reach, and then use the whole glorious mess as inspiration & raw materials for new songs.

I am *worlds beyond sick* of racking up a cocktacular number of shitty "learning experiences" that truly do nothing to help me move toward better things, or avoid further crap in life. At least turning this manure into flowers thru music & poetry, which I *really* miss creating, can make something useful out if it.

Just the fact that I can FEEL again, after all the light & life force has been slowly bleeding out of me for weeks & months... That is something to celebrate. I may not be ready for it yet, and there is much to do before I will be. Even so...

I am *ITCHING* for the next big thing.

:)

*

I Must Confess...

The Brad show last night was amazing... even moreso than I would've thought. It was like watching some friends jam in your living room. More on that later, when I can upload some photos. (Both USB cords for the Droid are currently elsewhere.)

I'm about to take a walk, probably czech out some Halloween stuff at a few places nearby. Looking forward to spending time with London tonight... I am very happy for him, he's got a new job that is a great deal better than his current one.

In the meanwhile though, I need some alone time... there are decisions that need to be made.

As usual, I have the perfect soundtrack for my thoughts:

*I Must Confess* ~~Shawn Smith

And I...
I'm feeling distant from myself
it's all a game, and I can tell
oh yeah, I know it's just as well

So wait...
I feel a shinin' coming on
I'm walking tired and out of breath
this is my way, I must confess


So wipe...
the tears from your eyes carefully
this is the place you're meant to be
this is not a test; it's the very best
I must confess

You'll walk...
just walk a straight line, and be free
it's time to live your destiny
there is no other way to be


So wipe...
the tears from your eyes carefully
this is the place you're meant to be
this is not a test; it's the very best
I must confess

I must confess...
I'm growing colder by the day
it doesn't matter what you say
I must confess

I woke...
in the early time to say
I think that everything will be
under the final christmas tree
I must confess



*

g00fit00d.

I tend to have some pretty weird friends.

The following is a shining example of that.

satchfan43: i gtg
my brother farted and its creeping into my room
me: hahahaha what?
satchfan43: i'm dying
Me: ok? lol bye
satchfan43: bye


And this was right after a text convo involving pork chops, cake, a wizard's ability to keep secrets, and paranoia in relation to birthdays.

There is no reasonable way to connect these dots.


Yet people wonder why my generation is so ADD.

o_O


*

Quick Post before Going Out :)

This has been sort of a stupid week, but I definitely feel that a lot of lingering crap has been blown out of my system, and I am finding new ways to deal with stress better, communicate more effectively, and get my focus and motivation back after being sick/not great emotionally for a bit.

Still waiting on 2 out of 3 jobs I interviewed for to get back to me; still waiting on unemployment (it's been a month since I should have been getting payments and I my attempts to find out why have been foiled so far) and there have been a few poly issues that have come up between London & I. The good part is, none of the above is really a major deal, and it is all in the process of being resolved.

I don't understand quite how or why, but for awhile I seemed to have forgotten that all things do pass. Now I am realizing that certain people, occurrences, etc have been placed in my life because my brain needs to be actively reprogrammed, and I was not seeing all the signals the Universe had been sending me, saying I needed to do that for myself. So these people, happenings, etc were placed along my path to make sure that a) it gets done, and b) i finally fucking learn to deal with being vulnerable in healthier ways, and learn to see the strength in knowing when & how to ask for help.

Some of my internal systems have gone offline for awhile during this period of reprogramming, but I feel them reinstalling themselves and doubt they will ever need to go offline again. I am happy to be becoming a far better, stronger, and more productive human than I was even 3 or 6 months ago. Growth is not always pleasant, but it is necessary. I now feel more empowered to forge my own path in the world, and stop being a person that things happen to. I sort of forgot how to make things happen for myself. Never Again.

On that note, I am going out to enjoy some food and a few beerz with a friend or 2, and I am hoping that someone I miss to a rather ridiculous extent will join me this evening. Somehow, nothing lights me up quite like seeing the smile on their face. I don't expect to see them for sure, and won't be too bummed if they don't show. But if they do, it will do my heart a world of good.

:)


*
I'm definitely having one of those months.

If I can get through this weekend, specifically today, without killing anyone or my head caving in completely, I shall be *very* grateful indeed.

BTW: For those of you with Droids, are you experiencing texting issues? Myself and others have reported hitting send, thinking all was well, then hours later seeing that it's just been sitting there "sending" the whole time. My battery got completely drained the other day while a picture msg sat pending for several hours. I also never received msgs sent from someone I was waiting to hear from last nite who has the same phone/OS version that I do, and was quite irritated about it before I knew what the problem was. If it's not just a random glitch in my area, I'll call Verizon.

I severely hate waiting. It's one thing to allow processes to unfold naturally, to see what occurs in the general scheme of things... but when you find yourself CONSTANTLY waiting on other people, day in, day out, it fucking *wears* on you. I've always been terrible with having things hang over my head, but lately, I've nearly been driven 'round the bend. And a lot of it has been unavoidable: waiting for Dr's appointments, to heal & feel better, etc. But other times it's such stupid stuff: simple miscommunication, crappy conflicting work schedules, the aforementioned Droid fail, etc. But when I heard yesterday that Mercury was just coming out of retrograde, I wanted to throw a giant party.

I know The Universe is trying to teach me to develop more patience and deal better with feeling vulnerable, but when this seems like the theme song of your life... well, that is just SAD.

*grumbledy*


In Happier n00z:

~ My evil dreamz are easing up, as is the general feeling of being stuck in the wrong timestream/Universe.
~ Some unresolved BS will most likely be resolved within a matter of hours from the time I type this, which will do wonders for my stress level.
~ There are 2 jobs that are interested in me; one is very close, the other is ridiculously far but not hard to access via bus, and both offer benefits
~ London is AWESOME, and makes the world immensely better just by existing, but especially by doing so in my immediate vicinity. <3
~ I just got my unemployment letter, and I'm eligible :) knew i would be, but was hoping it wouldn't involve too much red tape. my case is still being processed but I hope to get my next payment as soon as next week.

And of course, tomorrow is Dorian's Parlor, which I will be working, as part of the nefarious Circuit Six crew, making sure audio & lighting and all those new-fangled shenaniganz are up & running smoothly.

A mere $20 gets you a fee drink ticket, loadz of quality snackage, 2 awesome bands, a fashion show the likes of which I doubt you've ever seen, and performances by beautiful belly dancers as well as a swordfight performed by my London, of the aforementioned Awesomeness.

There will also be snazzilicious portrait photography by hughcasey and all sorts of awesome vendors, selling antiques, apparel, curiosities, and more.

:D

Hope to see you there!


*
I am in the wrong parallel Universe.

This has become painfully obvious, and I am doing my best to fix it.


That is all.


*
*sometimes i feel i'm getting stuck...
between the handshake... and the fuck...
sometimes i wish that i could change...
but i can't save you from my poor brain...*


~~Foo Fighters


i am caught between feeling really mindfucked over too much needless aggravation with people lately, and feeling really grateful & happy over the way things are changing, the snazzy developments that are taking place, and new friends i am making.

i don't really have the brain power to get into most things at length right now, and my entries are always way too long and rambly, anyhow.

i also feel really fucking inspired lately. a lot of it is due to reconnecting with the music that has always mattered the most to me (HUM, Soundgarden, old PJ rarities, The Melvins, Mudhoney, and obscure 90s shit I have always meant to get into but have not yet, for whatever reason). I've been reading this book made up entirely of interview snippets, from like 100 different people who grew up around & were in some way involved in the Seattle scene of the 80s & 90s, and am gaining an insight into the music I've loved for over half my life, and has majorly defined who I am as a person, from an amazingly refreshing perspective. they were all THERE, and the story isn't told thru some 3rd-hand account & written up by a journalist. it makes a HUGE difference, and you definitely had to be there to understand it from anything but a distant perspective. i think i've gotten as close as you can get, just by being a fan and totally drenching my soul in ever record & show i could manage to go to in the last 15 years.

apeaking of which, my brain is basically being eaten by the deluxe reissue of Mudhoney's Superfuzz Bigmuff that I bought the other day, and sort of can't get over it's chaotic wondrousness. Mark Arm really can't sing, yet he fucking pulls it off so well. i am well on my way to becoming completely obsessed with this album in the coming weeks, specifically one song called *If I Think*. that song is 100% the perfect soundtrack to have playing in my head right now. i mean, HOLY CRAP, y0.

anyway.

a million foiled (non)genius planz later, i'm pretty sure i'm moving to Baltimore. seems like the most feasible option for getting out of here, there are plenty of cafes and restaurants i could find work at, and lining up a job & a decent place to live before i go won't be anywhere near as tough as it would be for moving farther away (like to the west coast, which i still really want to do). I can probably find a comparable job down there as well as a cheaper, nicer place to live. i always loved this apartment, but the area was getting better for awhile, and now it's getting worse. taking the godforsaken 23 home thru the ghetto late at nite is just more stress than it was ever worth.

still need to figure out a bunch of details and money shit, and my student loans are in the process of getting deferred (thank god), and there are any number of factors & components & possible monkeywrenches life might feel like launching at me in the meanwhile...


but for now, it's like summertime outside (88 degrees tmrw?! YES!!!), i have good music, hermit crabs, comfy blankets, and a lovely (if broken down) old roof over my head...

nothing holding me back, and there is really very little to lose.

i'm gonna rise above this bullshit, not let it grind me down the way it has been, and just keep on moving forward.

i really wanna start a band again.

*

PS: i bought a flipping crabhat. ha :D


_

BOO.

hai. hao ya doin?

:P

so winter is over and it seems we all survived that. *cheerz*

I started seeing a therapist (overdue, much?) last tuesday, and mentioned that my anxiety level has gone up almost in direct proportion to my LiveJournaling time going down. You could draw a graph, and it'd be totally accureate. :P I forget if i mentioned the fact that my laptop all but bit it; i have decided to get a Droid instead of saving up for a new one tho, considering that i am never home anyway & people have said many rad things about it. it also seems much less breakable than other phones i have considered. While i dont mean to be, i tend to break the shit out of my shit. :P Also, my current phone, an LG Versa named Mortimer, is about to expire, and when his plan does on the 31st, i will be assimilated. I wonder what daft name will occur to me when i get the thing. ha

has anyone else in other part of the country experienced the following: as it's gotten warmer, bitchez gon' CRAZAY. we had a solid week of 60 degree sunshine here in Philly, and i cannot recall the customers at work (and half the employees) being so damn stupid. people were extra cranky & illogical until i guess a couple of days ago. i guess spring fever took a warped & strange form this year... my theory is that it got SO nice out so early & suddenly, that after this long evil winter, our psyches simply did not know how to handle it. :B

BTW: if you wanna know the kind of insanity i witness EVERY DAY, but especially lately, on the way to & from and AT work, just follow me on Twitter: GwyddonZ. Truly I Tell You: I cannot make this shit up.

various updates...Collapse )

I'll write more detailed stuff later, but I gotta shut down the computer and get some rest. my friend Josh from work is throwing a big party tonite after work, and i haven't been feeling well most of this week due to evil allergies + wicked PMS. sleep, and LOTS of it (plus vitamin water, of course!) has been the most helpful thing so far. and since I'll most likely be up late for the party, and then again on Sat nite, i better get some now! Jonathan's coming back into town after being away for nearly 2 months for family/work stuff, and we'll probably hang out on Sat nite and stay up til ass o'clock in the morning being g00fnuggetz, as usual. :)

hope everyone has a snazztacular weekend.


*
I have been neglecting eLJay land terribly... partially due to the fact that i have been working a lot (at Naked Chocolate Cafe; Whole Foods, or at least my boss there, screwed me over pretty stupidly)> I have also not been home a lot, and when I have been, James has not often had his laptop home. He has a 3G card that work pays for, and i will eventially be getting one as well.

but!

i have next week off & plan to spend it catching up on internetz, and generally doing crap around the house, plus hanging out at coffeeshops that have actual organic milk and therefore will not upset my stomach (as the conventional milk at my work does :P) and of course, updating on the recent goingz-on.

thankfully, things have been going a lot better than the first elevent months of 2009... funny how this year waited til almost December to stop KILLING MY SOUL o_O ...but i'm just glad it finally mellowed out.

i'm still following you guys as much as i can whenever i have net access. i often skip to 200 entries back every few weeks to catch up; that's actually part of why i have not updated myself, cause usually by the time that's done i have to get offline.

In More Serious News...

If you pray in any sort of fashion, or have a few dollars to spare for a worthy cause, my best friend's cat is in dire need of medical help that is far beyond their financial ability to provide. He needs all the good thoughts & energy, and all the change you can spare, in many senses of the word. Ekhi needs a kidney transplant and is running out of time. We've managed to raise good chunk of money so far amongst family and friends, but there is still a long way to go. Ekhi (pronounced eck-ee; it's the name of a sun god and he is a brilliant orangey yellow) is a young cat whose chances of survival are very good if he has this operation. Kidney disease this severe is rare among young cats, and the vets he has seen are mystified as to why he has developed it. Thankfully, one of the few hospitals that does this kind of surgery is right here in Philadelphia...

If you are interested in making a donation, the PayPal address is helpsavemycat ~at~ gmail {dot}com, and you can also find a Facebook group that shows pictures and updates on his condition if you search for "Help Save My Cat's Life". Updates are also being posted @Ekhi_the_cat on Twitter.

I assure you this is a legitimate request, for a much-loved kitty whose parents are doing absolutely everything they can to help him. I've known Matt & Amber for over a decade and they are like family to me.

Thank You in advance from the bottom of all of our hearts for your help & support.


*

BEST WEBCOMIC IN EXISTENCE



...i don't mean this comic in general necesarily, but i DO mean this particular installment of it.


BTW: I have some SRS BZNS to write about but i can currently too caffeinated and therefore insanely, albeit temporarily ADHD to do so. but it will happen. that triple mocha i had earlier Was A Mistake. but it certainly helped me get alotta shit done today! :D

including...

A TICKET TO THE LAST-EVER SHOW TO BE HELD AT THE PHILADELPHIA SPECTRUM!!!

PEARL JAM ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT!!!!

*iflipz in sheer glee!*

i'm trying to decide whether dressing as the ghost of Andy Wood would be sort of tacky or not. i think i could be classy about it.

it's gonna be a rough weekend though -- working 2-close on friday & 11-6:30 on sat/sun, effectively destroying plans with Leah, who i am rather concerned about at the moment (nothing life-shattering, but she's not feeling great). i feel crappy about having zero time to do anything or see anyone all weekend but work & the show, but i planto have a nice relaxing time of it next week & see lotsa people who claim to miss me ;) on my birthday. as it is, i know i will be D-E-D come sunday nite.

so unless the world blowz up or something that evening, please do not expect me to be reachable. i have a feeling it will be one of those nites where you crater so hard, you don't know where you are when you wake up, even though it's at your own house. i expect nothing less intense or glorious. :D

(i'll take plenty of pix if i can & post them; gotta czech out the photo policy for the venue. the band is usually pretty liberal.)

goodnight. and/or morning. :D


*

P.S: i just ate of piece of camembert (a brie-like chees) with pesto sauce & whole wheat toast, and had a beer... and i swear i felt myself get noticeably fatter in the process. i gotta cut back on the cheese! [insert lame joke here]

_
getting REALLY psyched for the PJ shows, and about having cleaer goals and direction in my life. :)

checking out a lot of videos (mostly live) and REALLY looking forward to the shows next week.

Pretty Damn Sure this is gonna be my new theme song, at least for awhile. It reflects my feelings the recent big decisions exceptionally well.




On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
All my destinations will accept the one that's me
So I can breathe...

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
A mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul
And so it goes...


Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...

Everyone I come across, in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering, but I'm never what they thought
I've got my indignation, but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...


Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead
Overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me
Guaranteed



EDIT: This one is from the new record (Backspacer) and is a close contender... but seems like this is the kind of feeling I'm trying to move towards... not quite there yet. ;)




[lyrics included in the video]


*

i must confess...

that i have been taken in by this whole vampire crap thing, after all. reading cleolinda's Twilight parodies and loving to hate the vapid retardity of that series was one thing... but True Blood has got me hooked.

2 werdz: Eric Northman. Why yes! I'd hit that even if he *was* (un)dead.

Sad, yet so, so true!


and in other n00z:

...HELLZ YES, BITCHESSSS!!!!!

Scorpio Horoscope for week of October 22, 2009

The astrological vibes suggest that you open yourself wide, try everything, and give freely. I urge you to adapt as your motto an exhortation that once came out of the mouth of the seven-year-old cartoon character Dennis the Menace: "Hey! Wake up! Let's go everywhere and do everything!" More than any other phase in many moons, Scorpio, this is your moment to make YES your battle cry. The world is asking you to be bigger than the old you, wilder than five blood oaths put together, and as strong as the full moon rising over a mountain.

...now THAT is more like it! i've had a case of the Januarys when i'm sposed to be all frolicky & excited this time of year because it's HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEEN

and IT'S ALL LEAFY OUTTTTTTTT

and SOON IT'S MY BIRRRRTHDAAAAAAAAAAY

and PEARL JAM ARE DOING 4 SHOWS IN MY HOMETOWWWWWNNNNN

and I'M GOING TO 1 or 2 of THEMMMMMM

and GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


how i love the fall! this year i'm either going to be a truck stop tranny or Bat-Gran. possibly both, cause there are more costume parties than i can shake a hermit crab at this year. (which also conveniently alleviates any need to throw one, when i srsly didn't feel like it anyway :P)

<3 :D <3


(real entry coming soon. promise! i have Real Actual Feelingz & Shit which need venting.)

;D

*

I can haz job (finally!) :D

::crawls out from under rock::

hey, everybody! so what did i miss? :D

i was taking a break from ze internetz for about a week, which happened to coincide with feeling sick as all crap 1/2 the time. i think i have eveloped some sort of gluten sensitivity (o, the joy! more on that later) and i was also interviewing like a hurricane for various jobz...

there were 2 coffee shop interviews:

~ 1 i didn't get & i was glad of it; on many levels it simply wasn't the right place for me
~ the other was full time, and paid pretty well, and highly tempting to take. however, they had no real emphasis on sustainability (so easy to do at a coffee shop! why oh why do people not bother??) and offered no benefits or any real security

~ the guy who runs Main Line Smoothie is a freakin' SPAZZ. not a bad guy; just sayin. i have to get back to him an turn him down today, and i think i'll just sen an email because i just don't really want to ever deal with him again. (btw: the smoothie cafe was in a gym in Bala Cynwyd, right near the ABC & NBC news studios. it also looked like a set from Saved By The Bell. I was freaked out good & proper, but it did pay well, an it would have been nice to work in an area with such an overwhelmingly Welsh name. :P)

~ i *thought* the job i interviewed for at the Comcast Center, which involved coffee bar/cafeteria/special event catering went pretty well, but i never hear back from them, even after following up and leaving a message saying i was still interested.

Which leadz us to the g00d n00z!

:D

I am now employed at the Jenkintown Whole Foods Market!

assorted job ramblingzCollapse )

since this is already several miles longer than my usually lengthy entries, i'll pause here. there are some other things i need to sort out & write about also, but we can save them for another entry.

:)

*

Even MOAR Conversations with Tyler!!!

I'm throwin' a par-tayyyy...

Saturday Night, y0. if you can see this, you're invited. :D

[18:27] GwyddonZaWizard: it's going to be hilarious just to have everyone who's coming in the same room as certain people
[18:27] GwyddonZaWizard: i cant wait to see how everyone interacts
[18:27] biggiepunkerdude: maniacal bitch
[18:28] GwyddonZaWizard: why thank you
[18:28] GwyddonZaWizard: :P
[18:28] biggiepunkerdude: throw us into the pen and lock us in there till only one is left standing
[18:28] biggiepunkerdude: WELL YOU KNOW WHAT
[18:28] biggiepunkerdude: IF THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE
[18:28] biggiepunkerdude: THAT ONE IS ME
[18:28] GwyddonZaWizard: hahahaha
[18:28] biggiepunkerdude: I AM HIGHLANDER
[18:28] GwyddonZaWizard: ::dies laughing::
[18:30] GwyddonZaWizard: matt says he's sean connery
[18:32] biggiepunkerdude: okay
[18:32] biggiepunkerdude: i'll accept it


*
Mexicans aren't slouchy thoughCollapse )

I promise a real entry soon...

a lot of things have been changing and a lot has been going on, and not only have i not had regular net access (but the lights are turned on again! :D) i have had a bunch of things to sort out, and i will get into that when i write in here next.


*
i am exhausted.

i am fucking spent.

every time i reach what i think is a breaking point, a couple of weeks go by, and then shit somehow manages to get worse. or at least feel worse.


*sigh*




"so ask me if i know... a way to breathe under water..."

i feel like i'm expected to do just that half the fucking time. "sure, gwyddon, do the impossible. it's just how you roll. you've managed to macguyver so much shit straight out of thin air, pull solutions right out of your ass, SURE you can continue doing that indefinitely."

you can't make something out of nothing. much less can you produce anything of quality when what you have to work with is mainly crap.

i don't even know how i have SURVIVED so long on so little. i can't make miracles when i've got nothing to work with. hell, i can barely get through the DAY sometimes... how can i be there for people when i just have no way to even *get* there, for fuck's sake... or continue to give when i've simply got nothing left...

i've worn myself so thin that i must be fucking transparent by now. nothing's giving me back what i need. i'm hollow.


i'm starting to get really sick & tired of living... again.

:(

_
because entirely to much odd shit has happened lately, and i find the idea of writing a real update somewhat daunting...

here's a Conversation with Tyler to keep things interesting. :D

so how many ducks *do* you have? ... 13.5Collapse )

i miss that freaky bastard.

:)

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I MAY NEARLY DIE OF AWESOME

a) i got a callback for what basically is my dream job. next week I will start fixing/rewiring the lighting system for the Starlight Ballroom @ 9th & Spring Garden. I'm being brought in by the owner of R5 Productions (www.r5productions.com), which is kind of a big fucking deal considering that without R5, this city's music scene would not really EXIST. the fixing of these lights are basically secondary to the fact that this will open up so many doors that my head is spinning, just contemplating all the unimaginably cool possibilities... *iz dazzled*

b) i asked out a girl today for the first time. she is adorable and intelligent and highly interesting, and feels music even more than she hears it, just like how i do. and nobody died! she didn't laugh at me or make me feel like a d00fus. she was incredi-sweet and we both agreed to hang out and get to know eachother and just see what could happen. somehow after + or - 12 years of trying, i have managed to pull this off! :D

c) people were popping up by the TRUCKLOAD and coming out of the damn woodwork to wish me congrats on item a, and it made me feel so fucking good i could explode into a pile of sparklez. haha i have the greatest friendz in the world. IN THE WORLD, I TELL YOU!!!

d) randomly started chatting with a friend of a friend, who seems like an incredibly nifty sound guy/musician, and it was almost freaky to hit it off so well with someone over AIM! o_O hopefully when we meet, we won't be all like *crickets* "uhh... yeah" lol. i think what's more likely to happen is: "czech out my new Sennheiser mics!" "bitchin! supercardioid condensers, right?" ***makes out furiously*** :D he is fucking cute with colour-change eyes and shaggy hair and types in dark blue Palatino Linotype. HE EVEN USES MY FAVOURITE FONT JESUS EFFING CHRIST ON A SPACESHIP <3

e) KIM THAYIL HAS HAULED HIS BEARD OUT OF MOTHBALLZ & GIVEN SOUNDGARDEN FANS EVERYWHERE REASON TO HOPE FOR NEW UNRELEASED MATERIAL AS WELL AS A REUNION TOUR. considering the source,b and the manner in which he speaks about fixing the merch issues (re: total lack of availability for SG *anything* these days), there is a better chance of this ~*actually occurring*~ then there has been since 1997.


...and then i shit my pantz, and died.


:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


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hahaha...

[01:17] GwyddonZaWizard: you know something
[01:18] AnnetteRed: Nope.
[01:18] GwyddonZaWizard: oh come on you know SOME things
[01:18] GwyddonZaWizard: haha
[01:18] AnnetteRed: Nope.
[01:18] AnnetteRed: I know nothing.
[01:18] GwyddonZaWizard: lol i dont believe it :P
[01:18] AnnetteRed: Nothing is actually very nice,
[01:18] AnnetteRed: bought me dinner once.
[01:18] GwyddonZaWizard: lol
[01:18] AnnetteRed: I've heard a lot about something, but never met the guy personally.
[01:18] GwyddonZaWizard: well chris cornell, who is my own personal hero, disagrees with you
[01:18] GwyddonZaWizard: lol
[01:19] GwyddonZaWizard: wrote a kickass song called "there's no such thing as nothing"
[01:19] AnnetteRed: Oh dear, bad experience with nothing?
[01:19] AnnetteRed: Well no wonder nothing's been so depressed lately, having Chris Cornell deny it's existence so publicly!
[01:20] GwyddonZaWizard: haha
[01:20] GwyddonZaWizard: i would be down if that hot-ass, incredibly talented mofo said i didnt exist
[01:20] GwyddonZaWizard: hahaha
[01:20] GwyddonZaWizard: :P
[01:20] AnnetteRed: Exactly.
[01:20] GwyddonZaWizard: hahaha
[01:22] GwyddonZaWizard: that little exchange is goingin my LJ lol
[01:22] AnnetteRed: Oh dear....
[01:22] AnnetteRed: I feel all warm and fuzzy, all of a sudden.
[01:22] GwyddonZaWizard: haha awesome
[01:22] GwyddonZaWizard: it may be the hugs
[01:22] GwyddonZaWizard: or possibly the teddy bears


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a litlte bit of an upswing...

Dear Universe:

Thank You!!! I'm seeing some little improvements already!!! :D

~ apartment issue is settled, not 100% to my liking, but i feel good about it and it's quite a bit of stress off my mind. now i can move forward with a whole bunch of projects! :)
~ getting into a more organized state of mind & getting things done piece by piece.
~ lots of cool things to look forward to, despite the tightness of $ and my time being largely taken up by watching Santino for my Dad. longish days, but making some money with that too!
~ had a few GREAT talks tonite, and definitely appreciate the honesty/god connexionz that are being formed and/or strengthened.

Various errands will be attempted tomorrow, although mostly of the phone call/crochet variety. Then I'm gonna pick up me & Dad's prescriptions, and head up to my house to meet with a cute audiogeek named Jim that I've been talking to lately. He took e out to dinner in New Hope last THursday, and it was just lovely. We ended up sitting on the outside deck of a somewhat-too-loud yet hilarious bar, and then sitting in his room showing eachother cool music on his computer til like 2am. :) My house is still too much of a mess at right now to invite him in, so we're just gonna head out when he gets there.

Wandering is the idea for the evening, with heading over to Kelly Drive and the nifty little side paths thereabouts. The views any time of year are beautiful, and now that it's green and warm out (and has stopped raining! :P) it should be a lovely night to wander, and hopefully we'll have a lovely sunset and even some stars! Jim is really not all that familiar with many part of Philly, despite growing up a very short distance from Matt at the northern edge of the city. We've had a similar problem of people being busy/lazy/just not all that adventurous with exploring things. (that really never computes with me. :P) He really wants to get out and explore and czech out new things more, so here's hoping we will *DO* that rather often, and not just talk about it like many seem to do. :P there had been so many plans i made with Judah for the springtime -- which ended up never happening... that time was instead taken up by Tyler's recovery, which was the happiest thing i did actually, compared to all the bullshit and frustration happening since then... and i really want to be able to do those things now, and this fall... with someone just as enthusiastic about exploring and who will make the time for it just as much as i will. Here's hoping this will work out! :)

Amber likes him, btw, since they have some funny things in common, and i am thrilled a the fact that we can actually really TALK to eachother and seem to be wanting some vastly similar things. Time will tell how things will work out, and if our personalities will actually mesh well when it really comes down to it.

I could certainly write more (as usual!) but is is late and i need some more sleep, as well as a shower and a bit of ice cream.

Thornley & Hum are the soundtracks for my brainz these days... and mostly in a good way. When shit's been beating me over the head, it certainly helps, but tonite the music has been tying right into a good mood. :)


goodnite.


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