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Time for New Chapter of Life... Finally


Right now feels like one of those "full-circle" kind of moments in life. I can see how the spiral of insanity that began last August spiraled back up into the life I am building out here in Seattle. How things began sort of out of nowhere, went thru bizarre twists and turns and shakeup and leaps forward and renovations, and now... finally... it's evening out.

"What used to be a house of cards has turned into a reservoir
Survived, and you're among the fittest...
Love ain't love until you give it up...

I can see the light, coming through the clouds in rays...
I've gotta say it now, better loud, than too late..."

Today was when a bunch of happy things I needed really came together. I made a new friend, had a few breakthroughs on some stuff I've felt kinda off about lately, and a small paying audio project (with huge potential to become a fun source of ongoing $) fell into my lap, along with a free unlimited transit pass for the forseeable future -- all of which kicks ass! It kinda feels like today was life's way of making up for the pile of SUCK that called itself my birthday last November. Today was like all the good energy & presents I didn't get then. haha :D

Most importantly though, I got hired at a company that seems as damn close as I can get to a perfect fit. Full-time work, genuinely good people as owners/management, similar values to mine, excellent products/sustainable biz practices, AND... It offers medical benefits after 90 days, will pay a living wage once I'm done training, and is a company I can grow with long-term if I so choose, without sucking up all my time for live production. I'm sure it will be challenging and even frustrating at times; I'm not expecting it to be ZOMG Unrealistically Perfect, which is a mistake I've made too often before. The main thing is that I am now solidly employed, FINALLY can start having some stability in life, and start doing a lot more of the kinds of things I've dreamed of doing around here for so long. There are a lot of idealists out there who don't realize how much not the ability to independently feed yourself and pay your bills completely fucks with your life & well-being, even beyond the practical realities. Alternately, there are far too many people who live in such fear of the level of uncertainty and upheaval I've been dealing with that they never take any chances or follow their dreams. I've usually leaned towards idealism, and avoided that kind of fear like poison. But both are extremes, and I'm glad that it's coming into a proper balance. :)

I am THRILLED to wave goodbye to the constant cloud of strain and blargh that's been over my head to one extent or another for far too long. I start my new job on Thursday, and while I'll be working at both locations, I'll begin in West Seattle... which is sort of funny and awesome in itself. West Seattle was the first part of the city I set foot in 10 years ago, and it's the neighborhood of a certain human whose impact on my life has been immeasurable: Eddie Vedder. If he ever comes in while I'm working, I will do my best not to come off like a horrifically huge starstruck dork. :) No promises, though. I merely wish to say "Thank You" for the way his music has reached me and helped shape my life for the better.

To be honest, which I try to do quite often, there are really no words for how worn out I've been over the last few months. There have certainly been various points of awesome, but life has been draining out my energy & throwing monkeywrenches and upheaval at me in a very disproportionate manner. The strain of looking for work, figuring out how to get by on such a varying and usually nonexistent budget were bad enough, esp since unemployment & my savings ran out in April. Most of you back home probably didn't know that (which was deliberate). Without my good friends here & the food bank, I would have been SCREWED as well as homeless, and going back to Philly was *never* an option. There was one particular day when I was scared that it might come down to being forced to go back, but then I remembered, through well-timed hugs & kindness and a "duh"/lightbulb moment, that I would never allow myself be "forced" to do anything, especially when the choice of whether or not to board a plane was involved.

A determined wizard can and will do anything it takes, no matter what, as long as it falls within certain ethical guidelines. And that's exactly what I've been doing, despite being unbelievably overwhelmed at times. It's really built some character though, or so I'd like to think! The obstacles I've overcome since last August, the drawn-out frustrations & accumulated BS of Philly coming to a head, the heartbreaks & humiliations, the cross-country move to Seattle, further illnesses, the joys & sorrows, and the overall STRAIN this past year has put on me in every way... Christ on the Biggest Damn Spaceship *EVER* -- it's been hard!

But, in the words of Vedder himself:

"I knew... life could be different, if I held on, hold on...
I know... I could be something, if I held on, hold on..."

When I came out here I grabbed on to a dream that had been about 15 years in the making, and now it's finally starting to become reality.

Nearly 10 months to the day when this most recent chapter began, it is now over, and I am finally moving on to far better things. On August 12th of last year, I woke up to an exploding ovary (yeah, they can do that! ~*The More You Knooooowww*~) only I didn't know that's what was happening. All I could think about was how the horrible, stabbing pain was scaring the HELL out of me. I didn't know it was the beginning the end of my time in Philadelphia, and that the transition into building a better life in Seattle was soon to come. Back then, I thought I had the kind of life I wanted: I'd just moved, was starting to get regular stage production work again, had a job I usually enjoyed and was comfortable in, enjoyed a wide & overlapping circles of friends, 2 unique people I felt lucky to be seeing, and lots to look forward to. I had no real sense of how much I had lost sight of my goals, or how much less I had somehow gotten into the habit of aiming for. I was treading water, and was "happy" because I had convinced myself it was the best that I could do at that time. I had become to good at "appreciating the little things" that I couldn't see that The Big Thing, LIFE, was totally passing me by. I had some smaller relapses into that mindset in Seattle, that probably happened as a coping mechanism to deal with setbacks and frustrations, but I have always redoubled my efforts and kept on moving forward. There are definitely certain people I need to take the time to thank personally for helping in that regard.

"I escaped it, a life wasted... and I'm never going back again."

I've wanted to give living in Seattle a shot since I was 14 years old, and first fell in love with the music of Pearl Jam... which led me to Green River, Mother Love Bone, Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, Mudhoney, Screaming Trees, The Melvins, and many more, including a few random & obscure bands I've only heard of since coming out here, like The Purdins. I remember the exhilaration of the cross-country road-trip on New Year's Day like it just happened, only it seems forever ago... and feeling tingles all over my skin as my plane skimmed through the clouds on the night I landed at SeaTac, wishing I had gotten in a day or 2 sooner, because I heard last-minute that Motorhead was in town that night. But I'm glad my first Seattle show came 2 weeks later for other reasons, and just getting off the plane was its own, oddly pristine experience.

I hugged my friends & family goodbye without realizing life was about to become sweeter than I could have imagined was possible for a time, or that there were still many challenges to overcome. I also never expected the sheer number of genuinely good people who would more or less adopt me on the spot and make sure I got through the roughest patches. The people, along with the mountains, trees, waterways, cityscape, and ever-changing skies of this place have imbued me with a sense of home that reaches down to a level I have never before experienced. It is a totally new sensation that I'd never felt before. Despite the serious lonliness I've felt at times, the amount of baggage ans straight-up damage I had to process in my first few months here, and how much I've missed certain friends back east, I can truthfully say that there has never been a single second that I have regretted moving here.

A lot of things didn't work out how I planned; life never does. I did not expect to fall in love, and then watch it disappear in a sudden & baffling fashion. I didn't expect to land a kickass audio gig that turned out not to *really* be a gig because of random factors I unfortunately didn't have much say in. Both were great experiences, nevertheless. I didn't expect the city to be so damn BEAUTIFUL as the spring bloomed, and and full of 100x more of the kinds of things I'd been looking for in Philly than I even expected when I got here. I'm still discovering Seattle in so many ways, and look forward to doing much more of that in times to come. I *absolutely* did I expect my original roommates to steal from me, to end up living with a significant other (which I had sworn that I'd NEVER do again before leaving Philly), or to be fortunate enough to be taken in by The Thicket crew... Everything that was wonderful or awful all found ways to happen with completely random timing. And all of my time here has been interspersed with incredible nights spent z00ting about the city, staying up til dawn, making great memories & connecting with people who have enriched my life immensely thus far. I'm very thankful for all of it.

Now it's time to move forward and become my Real Wizardly Self again. I haven't really been emotionally "right" (or lack of a better term) since around May 1st. More accurately, I haven't been in a good overall state of mind since last summer. As the weather continues to warm up and life continues to even out, I look forward to figuring out this new person I've felt myself becoming over the last several months. I look forward to new adventures & experiences, new joys & challenges as well. Although, I admit, The Universe can fucking ease up on the challenges for awhile and give a wizard a break for a little while... things have to come back into balance at SOME point, and the scales have been tipped more than enough. #trufax

Tomorrow, I'm looking forward to getting my hair cut by another new friend, starting to figure out a housemate's audio gadget jawn, and having a semi-overdue conversation with a friend whose advice may end up being invaluable in taking my first REAL steps forward in awhile. Lately I have come dangerously close to shutting down altogether emotionally... which is something that has been terrifyingly alien to me, as a rather emotional being. I was seriously beginning to doubt my ability to ever trust any person or situation again, no matter how good things seemed or how positive someone's intent appeared to be. I still have a lot of sorting to do in that regard, and am very happy that soon I will be able to afford to see a therapist and have some assistance with that process. But I haven't fully lost faith in myself, or in the ability to change things, for life to change, and for things to get better.

The day I truly lose that, the ability to hope, to dream, to strive and move forward... You have my express written permission to shoot me with as many laz0rz as you've got.

(I've quoted this next song so many times, and it just keeps becoming more true all the time.)

on bended knee is no way to be free...
lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently:
all my destinations will accept the one that's me,
so I can breathe...

circles they grow, and they swallow people whole...
half their lives, they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
a mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul...
and so it goes...

don't come closer or I'll have to go
holding me like gravity are places that pull
if ever there was someone to keep me at home,
it would be you...

everyone I come across, in cages they bought
they think of me and my wandering, but I'm never what they thought
I've got my indignation, but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
underneath my being is a road that disappeared
late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead

Leave it to me as I find a way to be --
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me...



EDIT: Shortly after posting this, my phone rang. It was nearly 5am PST, so I immediately thought "either dad forgot about time zones again or something bad happened." He actually just hit redial instead of checking his voicemail. :P And it turned into probably the best accidental 5am phone call in the History of Time. I told him about the new job, my plans for backyard camping for July & August (which he had reservations about, but you could *never* pull that off safely back in Philly) thus saving a crapload of $ and paying off debts/saving much more quickly for an apt, and it was just a great conversation. He said he was proud of me for a 3rd time in my life, for not giving up & making my own way out here, for not settling for whatever crap job I could find and continually striving for better things. Best of All: "You've persevered and it's finally paying off, so keep working hard. A lesser person wouldn't have and probably couldn't have done it, making a big move like that and overcoming the obstacles you've had." Thing is, he doesn't even know the half of it, like not having my thyroid meds for most of the time here, or what happened with Ty, or how I got shafted by Citra. But for him to say these things at all is freakin' AMAZING. It gave me a huge boost on top of already feeling pretty damned snazzular, and w00t unto that! :D



( 1 frijole — add some beanz )
Jun. 18th, 2011 04:05 pm (UTC)
I really like your comment about the middle path between having resources and capital so that you can do things compared to the becoming so anchored that you never set out and accomplish your dreams.

Balance is also my weakness but unlike idealism I was at the other end of the spectrum going for the "Fear of living under a bridge."
( 1 frijole — add some beanz )


Gwyddon, with a Z

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