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Life Bizness & Health Issues

Attempting to distract myself today... from thinking far too much about missing my brother Mikey, and wishing I had more close friends around here. Such things will get better in time. I have some great job prospects, and spring is slooooowly coming into bloom in Seattle. I actually saw the sun like 4 times this week. I even felt it warming my hair one of those times! ~miraculousness~ :P

The other day on the n00z, the weatherd00d said that we've been having temps that are 5-10 degrees cooler than normal consistently for weeks. So it's not just me wondering when spring will get here properly. Dear Sky: IT'S APRIL. START ACTING LIKE IT. EVEN BY THE NW'S STANDARDS!

I'm especially excited about a potential job at the Space Needle, and I'll talk more about that if I'm hired. As far as I know, the job has a ton of perks, as well as health benefits... and I could certainly use some! Yesterday's interview went very well, and I feel confident I will be called back for a 2nd one. After that, it's just a background check, a drug test, and I'd be in. Seeing as how I haven't killed anyone lately, nor have I smoked any crack, I should get the job... Here's hoping!

Life has been full of interestingness and positive growth lately, and I had fun during Nate's visit last week. Unfortunately I've been having flare-ups with old health problems, mainly my neck/shoulder injury being extra painful & evil, and my left kidney, which has been problematic a few times before, being painful and bitchy as well. I haven't been eating or sleeping right, and over time I can see why my kidney has become angry at me. Certain foods and not enough liquids build up deposits that lead to discomfort and to kidney stones, and unfortunately, all of my very few vices do this wonderfully: coffee, beer, chocolate, and cheese (and other dairy; kidney stones are mostly made up of calcium.) Coffee and beer dehydrate your innardz, cause the kidneys and liver to function less than optimally, and also make those organs work harder to process out certain components. I don't remember if it's the tannins in coffee or just the alcohol content or what... I read about it awhile ago.

I just find it annoying that so many rock stars/techs can be crazy drinkin' f00lz and abuse their bodies immensely, yet seem to live long and not be all that affected by it... Obviously there are many exceptions to this, and I certainly wouldn't want to be Keith Richards. Even so, having the type of physiology that is is SO FREAKING FINICKY about the kinds of foods it will tolerate, and how much, and in what combinations, etc, having to read ingredients for everything, even shampoo and lotions because of contact allergies, having old problems constantly flare up and cause this seemingly evil feedback of DOOM... it drives me nuts! For example: the best thing I could do to help prevent this kidney shit is drink plenty of juices containing citric acid. Sounds simple! So why wouldn't I? ACID REFLUX FROM HELL. I've had it since I was 14. Why are my kidneys so bothersome int eh first place? Because of a medicine I was on for nearly 2 years to control the acid in my stomach, which I didn't know often leads to kidney and/or liver damage over the long-term. I don't take it anymore, but the damage was already done. So I get to choose between stomach pain that makes me want to curl up in a ball and die, or at best, makes me nauseas, woozy, and hurting... OR... kidney stones! (Which, if you've never experienced before, I do NOT recommend! In fact, I think I'd only wish such a thing on George Bush or Hitler.)

Please excuse me for a moment, while I do an interpretive dance to express my joy over these options.


Here's another example: Sinus pain triggers bad headaches that I never had until my tour injury, which triggers pain from the impacted wisdom teeth I can't afford to have taken out, which press on nerves that make my neck/shoulder hurt and/or make the sinus pain even worse... etc, etc, ad nauseum + stabbity mcstab. It just gets so TIRING. And oh, yeah THE INSOMNIA. It truly fucks with my life and my ability to get things done to degree that I struggle constantly not to get completely INFURIATED with, explosion-style. The only thing I have ever tried that helps is Ambien, and if anyone has a spare few hundred dollars a month laying around, please let me know, because I will get RIGHT back on that medicine! It would make me so damn happy to have a real sleep schedule for once, or be able to do *anything* that effectively contributes to having one, that I would probably weep with joy. No exaggeration.

It's always these multiple low-level things combining together to create a big clusterfuck of FAIL. And I'm not even THIRTY yet. And I can't afford health insurance! I guess I have even more of this to look forward to as I get older? That is a bunch of SHIT. I am hoping & praying (and I don't even pray, or believe in worship, technically) with all of my might that I get a job with benefits soon, so I can finally get some things properly checked out and treated.

With my luck, some fucking "pre-existing condition" clause in whatever benefits I do get will finally send me over the edge, and I will go completely postal... But, a Wizard can dream.

The most ~*AWESOME*~ part (note the swirlz & sparklez) is that due to all of these interconnecting issues... I miss out on a lot. When 3 or 4 of these things are triggering eachother at once, It truly SUCKS to have to bail on social events, things I volunteered to help with, sometimes even on work. There are no good options: Calling out of work obviously has repercussions... letting people down/going back on my word, which I LOATHE doing, is awful... or I can crawl out of the house when I can't think straight due to pain or nausea or being exhausted from insomnia, and somehow get through the day in a fucking miserable condition, which is 100% guaranteed to just make it all even worse the next day. FUN.

Meanwhile, I feel like such a hypochondriac sometimes, and worry that I will be perceived as some wussy complainer. And as you may already know, I *rarely* worry about how I am perceived by others. I care about what those closest to me think, but I have always been my own person & hardly ever care about the opinion of the general public. But this *does* bother me. My willpower is very strong, and it is more frustrating than I can possibly express not to be able to fix these ongoing problems. Also, I fully, 100% acknowledge that I'm not *anywhere* nearly as bad off as those who live with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Multiple Sclerosis, Diabetes, those who are physically disabled, or anything like that. The last thing I want from ANYONE is sympathy. I just want it to be known that these problems are, unfortuantely, REAL, and I am not making them up, nor am I exaggerating them. I HATE the fact that they are real, with all of my being. :(

All of this crap = Why the $75,000 degree in live production, which I worked my ASS off for to complete in appx 40% of the time it would have taken on a standard semester-type schedule, and which I think of as my proudest accomplishment in life, cannot be used to its fullest extent... Because I am NOT Keith Richards, I am NOT Superman, and while I *may* be a Wizard, there is no magickal wand I can wave to fix it, and sometimes it simply isn't possible to "suck it up" and power through, when my own blasted body is rebelling against me on multiple fronts. I feel constantly shitty mentally/psychologically about the fact that I can't just WILL my way through it and make myself better.

I feel like 17 kinds of a bastard for letting people down when I feel too crappy to go out, or to help with something... I feel like 43 kinds of an IDIOT when I have to call out from work, and about ELEVENDY-JILLION kinds of a FAILURE the few times I have had to miss a gig. (Some of you may recall that I got out of the hospital last month, slept for 12 hours, and went straight to a show, even though I still felt like fried death that was left out to rot. It was ~lovely~.)

So I'm going to do something I don't think I've ever done before, and post a link to this entry on Twitter and FB, because I would like to not have to explain this ever again.

It's hard ENOUGH for me to admit to anything even remotely resembling vulnerability, and I know that there will be times that I will have to explain to people in the future that "No, I am NOT blowing this out of proportion, and here is the laundry list of legit health issues that I am dealing with all the damned TIME." But I can hope that by putting it out there now, it may clarify some things, and possibly, someone may have some suggestions for herbal or home remedies I could try that will help me manage these things better, so they can hopefully be far less aggravating. (I'm big on teas and such; they've helped at least somewhat.)

Any and all comments/bits of advice are appreciated & welcome. But PLEASE, no "aww you poor thing" type sentiments. I will vomit on your FACE, I swear to god. As a human being, I am about as much of a delicate flower as Dick Cheney is a kind & gentle soul. But my body is unfortunately rather incompatible with the nature of its spirit. I'm trying to be honest & constructive, and find better ways to deal with this crap, and am very open to any ideas or potentially useful advice.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.



Apr. 22nd, 2011 12:41 am (UTC)
PS: The fact that you WORK in healthcare and it's not offered to you at an affordable rate... that just processed.

WTF?! How is that even possible?

This country is seriously going straight to hell in a fucking handbasket.

Apr. 22nd, 2011 05:53 pm (UTC)
I love your Norseman icon. <3 <3 <3


Gwyddon, with a Z

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