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I'm Still Alive

Tomorrow will be exactly 3 yearz since my last public entry in this journal.

I just spent the last few hours reading through old entries, and listening to many of the songz they made reference to. I've been realizing how many of the same thingz, how many habits, tendencies, and patternz are still at work in my life, and it'z rather discouraging. I keep getting caught up in the same kindz of situationz, with similar types of people, and not focusing nearly enough on what I actually ought to: my own well-being, my own process of healing and growing, and I need to be doing more to make my dreamz a reality. I've been unwittingly shooting myself in the foot just as much az many otherz I've dealt with recently, but at least it izn't quite so blatantly self-destructive az what I'm seeing from them. But in some wayz... maybe it iz, even moreso.

I'm really tired, and focusing/clearly articulating my thoughtz izn't really a strong point right now.

I'm very glad to be writing again. I've even cranked out a few poems that I feel rather proud of; one in particular from last month comes to mind. I'm reconnecting with the music which haz played such a significant & defining role in my life, and coming to termz with what got thingz to where they're at now, and what can be done to ensure that I really *do* move onto better pastures this time, and not just keep on making the same (or very similar) mistakes.

About 2 months from now, on February 4th, it'll be 4 yearz since I moved to Seattle. It'z the 3rd longest amount of time that I've lived in a specific city, and this house iz the 4th longest I've ever lived under one roof; it'z the 2nd longest since I've been out on my own. I hope to stay here until my friendz & I are ready to acquire land & start our treehouse & hobbit house community. Now that there'z a new landlord who haz been doing a great job with helping us fix up the place,

Part of me feelz unsure if I would want to build it in Washington, but all thingz considered, there are really no better optionz without leaving the country... while that idea holdz itz own levelz of appeal, for practical reazonz, it'z not all that feazible.

You may have also noticed that I've caught a bad case of the Z'z, and it'z incurable. I am completely ok with this.

Today iz also my father's birthday. I haven't spoken to him in over a year, and I am also ok with this. You can only allow someone to casually dump their toxic waste into your mind-tank for so long, until you either let it kill you, or put a fucking stop to it. I wish I had done it sooner; maybe I wouldn't feel az fucking broken az I do now, with a few less yearz of accumulated shit to shovel out.

This haz been a very hard year, and in some wayz, right now I am at a very low point... I've spent the last year going through the existential mindfuck rollercoaster which iz dealing with a malfunctioning nervous system & being in constant, often debilitating pain. I recently lost a love under circumstances which echo what I waz going through 4 yearz ago in far too many wayz (but there were a lot more good thingz, thankfully, overall. the bad shit was only at the end.) I lost my best friend on the west coast via lies, betrayals, and a level of selfishness that I will never really get my head around, and which put 2 of the people I care about most thru shit that waz just az bad, if not even worse than what I got. And a co-worker from Naked Chocolate died suddenly last month at age 24, and I can't find out any info about what happened to him, though I have my suspicions. We weren't close after we each left for different jobs, but I still thought of him and that time of my life really often, and with a lot of fondness.

Even so, the summer waz *glorious*. And there will come a time when I can remember it all and just be happy, rather than the way I'm feeling now... raw, worn out, heartsick, and put thru the ringer... like I had to pay for every ounce of joy & freedom & goodness with a shittonne of unnecessary heartache & aggravation. Needless suffering iz probably the worst kind. But maybe it'z not needless... maybe it'z building character, or serving a greater purpose that I cannot yet see. I've been able to convince myself of such thingz in the past, and it'z been a huge comfort. But considering the way thingz seem to inevitably get shitty again every time, and how the same forms of stupidity keep springing up over & over, no matter how many times I think I've pulled all the damn weeds out... *sigh.*

Sometimez it feelz like there'z no good reazon for anything, or really no reazon at all. We are infinitely small specks of dust floating around on a slightly larger speck of dust, orbiting a glowing ball of gas & thermonuclear reactionz that'z just like billionz of otherz throughout time and space. There'z nobody out there to save us from ourselves, or if there iz, I really wish they'd come back and simply get on with it. I'm tired of being stuck here, surrounded by people who think that I'm crazy for being so honest & who are consistently, thoughtlessly cruel towardz one another, yet we call that "normal". I keep thinking of my theory back in kindergarten, about how my real parents were much like E.T.'s and they'd accidentally left him behind when they left the planet. I waz seriously convinced that it made more sense for my parents to be aliens, and my personality to be influenced by them, than it made to look at my parents and think that the 2 of them = somebody like me. My OS seemz fundamentally incompatible with the world around me. I miss having optimism.

I still want to go home. For the life of me (literally) I can't seem to actually build one here.

I didn't mean for this entry to sound so goddamn sad... But I never really did know how to do anything but just be honest, for all the good it'z ever done me.

Somebody recently brought up that they wanted to "do a hard reset" of some kind on a situation, and I asked them what they meant by that. They didn't know. I'm in the process of deciding how I can do that within myself, in wayz which run even deeper and will hopefully have more positive & lasting effect; moreso that even pulling myself up by my wizard b00tz & moving all the way across the country did.

I don't need a new place. I need a new Gwyddion.

That can mean anything I want it to mean, and I know that I can be anything I want to be, or do, or even believe in. The real question iz, after doing so much, and trying so many different thingz already... What'z next?

I might have a pretty good idea... guess we'll just have to see how it happenz.

Hopefully, I'll pull out of this infernal funk soon, and be able to enjoy much better times ahead.


Also, this iz fucking funny:

blackwater spider


Pearl Jam ~~ Speed of Sound


Yesterdays how quick they change
They're lost and long gone now
It's hard to remember anything
Moving at the speed of sound
Moving with the speed of sound

And yet I'm still holding tight
To this dream of distant light
In that somehow I'll survive
But this night has been a long one
Waiting on a sun that just don't come

Can I forgive what I
Cannot forget and live a lie
I could give it one more try

Why deny this drive inside
Just looking for some peace
Every time I get me some
It gets the best of me
And not much left, you see

And yet I’m still holding tight
To this dream of distant light
In that somehow ill survive
But this night has been a long one
Waiting on a word that never comes

A whisper in the dark
Is that you, or just my thoughts
I'm wide awake and reaching out...


Greetingz, eLJay Land!

I have been far too busy to keep up with anything lately, even Twitter or FB or calls to friends/family back east. For that I apologize, but most of it has been the good kind of busy, and for that I am rather grateful. It's been wonderful building a new life out herein Seattle. :D The new job is going great, they're very pleased with me thus far, and I look forward to when my health benefits kick in as of September. My freaking tour injury has been flaring up badly lately, and I have a kink in my neck today that even after 3 Advil and a massage, can only be described as Evil.

Other than that, though, life is going very well!Collapse )

It's been a hell of a bumpy ride... just life in general these past few years, and transitioning into life in Seattle. Learning and growing often come with a lot of pain and hard realities. But I am proud to say that I am making my way through them *Like a Boss* for the most part. ;) I've certainly made mistakes and not handled certain things as well as I wish I had, but in the grand scope of things, Life is Getting Better All The Time. And I have A LOT to look forward to.

It helps to remember that. :)


Time for New Chapter of Life... Finally


Right now feels like one of those "full-circle" kind of moments in life. I can see how the spiral of insanity that began last August spiraled back up into the life I am building out here in Seattle. How things began sort of out of nowhere, went thru bizarre twists and turns and shakeup and leaps forward and renovations, and now... finally... it's evening out.

"What used to be a house of cards has turned into a reservoir
Survived, and you're among the fittest...
Love ain't love until you give it up...

I can see the light, coming through the clouds in rays...
I've gotta say it now, better loud, than too late..."

The Turning PointCollapse )

The day I truly lose that, the ability to hope, to dream, to strive and move forward... You have my express written permission to shoot me with as many laz0rz as you've got.

(I've quoted this next song so many times, and it just keeps becoming more true all the time.)

on bended knee is no way to be free...
lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently:
all my destinations will accept the one that's me,
so I can breathe...

circles they grow, and they swallow people whole...
half their lives, they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
a mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul...
and so it goes...

don't come closer or I'll have to go
holding me like gravity are places that pull
if ever there was someone to keep me at home,
it would be you...

everyone I come across, in cages they bought
they think of me and my wandering, but I'm never what they thought
I've got my indignation, but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
underneath my being is a road that disappeared
late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead

Leave it to me as I find a way to be --
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me...



EDIT: Shortly after posting this, my phone rang. It was nearly 5am PST, so I immediately thought "either dad forgot about time zones again or something bad happened." He actually just hit redial instead of checking his voicemail. :P And it turned into probably the best accidental 5am phone call in the History of Time. I told him about the new job, my plans for backyard camping for July & August (which he had reservations about, but you could *never* pull that off safely back in Philly) thus saving a crapload of $ and paying off debts/saving much more quickly for an apt, and it was just a great conversation. He said he was proud of me for a 3rd time in my life, for not giving up & making my own way out here, for not settling for whatever crap job I could find and continually striving for better things. Best of All: "You've persevered and it's finally paying off, so keep working hard. A lesser person wouldn't have and probably couldn't have done it, making a big move like that and overcoming the obstacles you've had." Thing is, he doesn't even know the half of it, like not having my thyroid meds for most of the time here, or what happened with Ty, or how I got shafted by Citra. But for him to say these things at all is freakin' AMAZING. It gave me a huge boost on top of already feeling pretty damned snazzular, and w00t unto that! :D


Life Bizness...

I most certainly need to write more. I've had kind of a braincloud lately, and haven't known what to say about life other than the brief flashes of inspiration that come to me in the moments between being awake and asleep.

I've been eating healthier (oddly, considering how broke I've been) sleeping better (even more oddly, considering stress levels & generally displeased I've been with certain circumstances) and really enjoying the company of the awesome people in my life. There's been a lot of changes since I last wrote, several of which I am still definitely adjusting to and really dunno what to say about just yet.

And right now there is a cute little brown rat on me that belongs to a boy named Kai that I am quite happy to know. She is nibbling at the lint on my sock and generally being adorable. I just put her on Kai's head. :D

Last night, I did sound for a friend's band called Bourgeios Bulletwound. It was a lot of fun and I'm really glad I went out for it. I needed a night much like that. We went to the poly-owned Night Kitchen downtown and enjoyed the HIZZELL out of some amazing f00dz afterwardz. People were buying me drinks & saying it was the best the band has ever sounded. I don't think I would go that far... ;) but it's certainly nice to be appreciated and the kind words & good reviews mean a lot to me.

Right now I am chilling @ what we have affectionately called "The Church of Bob Ross", which is the Central District apartment of Kai, Jennifer, and Kris. I'm very grateful for their friendship & understanding during a time that's been full of stress & tumultuous adjustments for me. They and the people at The Thicket, which is the place I've been staying at since May 1st, have really made a huge difference. I can't even say how much.

Just glad to be surrounded by genuinely good humanz & moving forward. I was really stuck there for awhile, but the weather's getting nicer, I had a great interview on Friday plus 2 more coming up this week, 2 job fairs to go to, and a handful of places to apply to in my travelz this week.

Also, the Vancouver Canucks are one game away from winning the Stanley Cup! It won't be on home ice if it's tomorrow, but if it stretches to Game 7, it will on Sunday night. I haven't watched all the games due to lack of money and other conflicting schedules, but have been following closely. Vancouver has been my main pick for the Western Conference for a few months now, and I'm very excited to see them win it!

Here's hoping for some victory for both the Canucks and my stupid endless freaking epic jobsearch this week!

Putting all my wizardly energy & good intent into manifesting better thingz!


Life Bizness & Health Issues

Attempting to distract myself today... from thinking far too much about missing my brother Mikey, and wishing I had more close friends around here. Such things will get better in time. I have some great job prospects, and spring is slooooowly coming into bloom in Seattle. I actually saw the sun like 4 times this week. I even felt it warming my hair one of those times! ~miraculousness~ :P

The other day on the n00z, the weatherd00d said that we've been having temps that are 5-10 degrees cooler than normal consistently for weeks. So it's not just me wondering when spring will get here properly. Dear Sky: IT'S APRIL. START ACTING LIKE IT. EVEN BY THE NW'S STANDARDS!

I'm especially excited about a potential job at the Space Needle, and I'll talk more about that if I'm hired. As far as I know, the job has a ton of perks, as well as health benefits... and I could certainly use some! Yesterday's interview went very well, and I feel confident I will be called back for a 2nd one. After that, it's just a background check, a drug test, and I'd be in. Seeing as how I haven't killed anyone lately, nor have I smoked any crack, I should get the job... Here's hoping!

Assorted bitching about medical issues...Collapse )

Meanwhile, I feel like such a hypochondriac sometimes, and worry that I will be perceived as some wussy complainer. And as you may already know, I *rarely* worry about how I am perceived by others. I care about what those closest to me think, but I have always been my own person & hardly ever care about the opinion of the general public. But this *does* bother me. My willpower is very strong, and it is more frustrating than I can possibly express not to be able to fix these ongoing problems. Also, I fully, 100% acknowledge that I'm not *anywhere* nearly as bad off as those who live with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Multiple Sclerosis, Diabetes, those who are physically disabled, or anything like that. The last thing I want from ANYONE is sympathy. I just want it to be known that these problems are, unfortuantely, REAL, and I am not making them up, nor am I exaggerating them. I HATE the fact that they are real, with all of my being. :(

All of this crap = Why the $75,000 degree in live production, which I worked my ASS off for to complete in appx 40% of the time it would have taken on a standard semester-type schedule, and which I think of as my proudest accomplishment in life, cannot be used to its fullest extent... Because I am NOT Keith Richards, I am NOT Superman, and while I *may* be a Wizard, there is no magickal wand I can wave to fix it, and sometimes it simply isn't possible to "suck it up" and power through, when my own blasted body is rebelling against me on multiple fronts. I feel constantly shitty mentally/psychologically about the fact that I can't just WILL my way through it and make myself better.

I feel like 17 kinds of a bastard for letting people down when I feel too crappy to go out, or to help with something... I feel like 43 kinds of an IDIOT when I have to call out from work, and about ELEVENDY-JILLION kinds of a FAILURE the few times I have had to miss a gig. (Some of you may recall that I got out of the hospital last month, slept for 12 hours, and went straight to a show, even though I still felt like fried death that was left out to rot. It was ~lovely~.)

So I'm going to do something I don't think I've ever done before, and post a link to this entry on Twitter and FB, because I would like to not have to explain this ever again.

It's hard ENOUGH for me to admit to anything even remotely resembling vulnerability, and I know that there will be times that I will have to explain to people in the future that "No, I am NOT blowing this out of proportion, and here is the laundry list of legit health issues that I am dealing with all the damned TIME." But I can hope that by putting it out there now, it may clarify some things, and possibly, someone may have some suggestions for herbal or home remedies I could try that will help me manage these things better, so they can hopefully be far less aggravating. (I'm big on teas and such; they've helped at least somewhat.)

Any and all comments/bits of advice are appreciated & welcome. But PLEASE, no "aww you poor thing" type sentiments. I will vomit on your FACE, I swear to god. As a human being, I am about as much of a delicate flower as Dick Cheney is a kind & gentle soul. But my body is unfortunately rather incompatible with the nature of its spirit. I'm trying to be honest & constructive, and find better ways to deal with this crap, and am very open to any ideas or potentially useful advice.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.


Time for an Update!

I should really write more often... always feel better after I do.

Making Progress...Collapse )

I've been in processing mode, quite thoroughly, since being here... and it feels like I've been here so much longer than two months! :) I'm very happy with how things are unfolding and want & need to get out and do more/see more of my new home city. I'm getting used to the clean buses and the lay of the land, of the downtown skyline including low-hanging clouds & the Space Needle, with the sun breaking through more often than you'd think... and everywhere smelling like fresh air with a hint of coffee, evergreens, and a little salt air. I love it here. And there is a ton of amazing stuff to look forward to, which I'll get into more as it happens. I just wish part of me didn't feel almost-afraid of all these good things, because after everything, I don't trust ANYTHING to last... I don't know how to fix that.

Just like everything else, though... I'm working on it.

...but they're so much FUN! :D

me: hey man guy :)
renegadeapes: Thats man PERSON to you! ;)
me: haha ok
whatever floatz yer boat :)
whatcha doin up so late?
renegadeapes: I have a boat!? :X
me: we all have boats
in Rainbow Unicorn Land :D
renegadeapes: I'm awake, hoping, secretly (or not so secretly) that I dont have class in the morning.
Rainbows AND unicr0nz?!
me: absolutely
anything is possible in your ...
me: ~*ImAgInAtIoN*~
renegadeapes: this sounds ASTOUNDING.
me: you can go any time you want!
renegadeapes: lol
I feel that you're making this up at this point.
me: nope
imagination is real
renegadeapes: Oh, is it?
me: define real
and prove to me that perception isn't reality
or imagination is less "real" than the keyboard you are typing on
renegadeapes: By definition, one persons perception is absolute reality until weighed against reason & facts.
HOWEVER, science, that kindly wizard, PWNZ PHACE
me: define "facts". :)
renegadeapes: A fact is anything that is empirical evidence. A hard truth that cannot, with in a reasonable mind, be denied.
me: I reject your definition
with Wizardly Authority
renegadeapes: Hrm. See the above!
me: human beings invest far too much belief in supposed hard truths as well as religious myths
people who believe gravity is real also believe some Great Thou Shalt Not in the sky got nailed to a piece of wood and died for them thousands of years ago
they believe one is just as real as the there
just indifferent ways
i think trying to define reality is the ultimate folly f humankind and shuts us off from enjoying and experiencing fully
so yes
you have a boat
if you want one :)
that boat exists
even if its just in your mind or in mine
and just because we do not have a formula or instruments to quantify or explain it
doesn't mean it does not exist
because evolution & scientific progress suggests that we could have the ability to do so at some future time
the world is full of infinite possibilities!
and Rainbow Unicorn Land is as real as my geeky white arse.
renegadeapes: lol!
Heres my take on it.
renegadeapes: God and gravity, while both very real potentialities, are by their introduction to our consciousness(as a species) so vastly separated by the chasm of logic that to put them together is, simply ridiculous.
However, it has been proven that gravity does /something/.
me: faith also does things
renegadeapes: Where as god(s?) is(are) still a figment of imagination or perhaps at best, of a quantum nature and there by, currently unknowable.
me: very interesting and often quantifiable things
there are plenty of psychological tests that have results just as "concrete" and empirical as any that prove the existence of gravity
and that have been done on patients with chronic illness, for example
who have a strong religious faith as opposed to those who do not
and in terms of how their disposition and brainwaves and brain chemistry function throughout their illness
and their %ages of recovery
there's a difference
these things can be measured
renegadeapes: Caveat!!
me: sorry for the shit typing. my brain is too excited :D
renegadeapes: Tests and measures are scientific! Which means quantifiable! And therefore factual!
me: yeah
thats my point
you can prove that things are "real" with tests that show "facts"
but in that case you are proving that belief is real and therefore has quantifiable results
so if belief in a thing makes that thing real
then anything is possible
renegadeapes: And belief is real. Its Psychosomatic. People have manifested BURNS. Physical damage.
me: yeah
thus proving my point further
reality is perception
renegadeapes: But that doesn't mean I'm going to materialize a boat ;)
me: See Also: Self Limiting Behaviours
you can materialize it in your imagination
and if the desire fueling it becomes strong enough
with money, tools, and/or skill
you will materialize a boat
renegadeapes: But those are concrete things that are the machinations of a human working within his world.
me: yeah
me: how is that less of a manifestation?
renegadeapes: At some point you have to wonder which part is mental and which part is physical? A manifestation implies a non physical action.
me: not necessarily
i think anything that brings an idea in someones mind into being in a more physical sense is a manifestation
and usually that takes hard work!

...just some things to think about. not saying i'm either "right" or "wrong". :)

I was going to post an entry, but somehow this just says it all.




Seattle is muthafuckin' GREAT so far.

But for reasons involving processing the Philly out of my system, I need to scream now. So I'm going to do it over here.


Yeah. That's a little bit of it. Maybe 10%... I may vomit, as well.

Some shit is really just *hopeless*

Y'know what though? Not my problem. :)

My room is Tealer than Fuck. I LIVE IN SEATTLE NOW. My hermit crabz are happie. I am making new friends every day. SteamCon's first organizational meeting is this Sunday & will be a great opportunity for me.

...and if I have to, I'll just keep on screaming until it drowns out all the shit in my mind.

It's like the crack in the wall... it's always there. I can just never get far enough away from it.

*And Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Wizardry*


Posted via LjBeetle

Given to Fly...

On bended knee is no way is no way to be free...
Liftin' up an empty cup, I ask silently
if all my destinations will accept the one that's me...
So I can breathe...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere...
Underneath my being is a road that disappears
Late at night, I hear the trees; they're singin' with the dead...

~~Eddie Vedder

Man, I love that song. I've probably made reference to it more than any other Vedder/PJ song in existence.

I'm on the plane now, so I'll post this when we land. We should be starting the descent into Seattle shortly. All I can see are stars now... it's pretty cool. :D

London tried calling when I was at the airport in Denver. I didn't answer. He's probably pissed that I left the leaky waterbed for him to deal with. Now he can know how it feels: It sucks ass to be repeatedly told one thing, only to have someone either not follow thru, or do something else entirely that clearly shows no consideration. He deserved at least one taste of his own medicine, after I had to keep choking it down for months. I'm not the only one here who's going to chalk this whole thing up as being ~A Learning Experience~ [Translation: No more Mr. Nice Gwyzard. He can eat a dick.]

I took the shop vac back to Matt's house, and got rid of the attachments to hook the hose up to the waterbed. London's gonna have his hands full, figuring out that conundrum. I hope Jess comes over to help him deal with it, and henceforth becomes a total shit show... Hahahahaa...

"And not a single fuck was given that day."

Brandon said something wonderful to me last night, especially since it was coming from someone who's known me for half my life, and for better or worse, never says things about people that he doesn't mean. "Gwyn, you have a BAD habit of dating in the minors, when you are a major league kinda person." He shocked me with that... and I realized that he's right. So right it made me feel just a tad ridiculous. I'll definitely be keeping his words in mind as I move forward thru life.

The journey so far has been wonderful. :) This morning was the craziest headless chicken dash I've ever done in my life! Eddie was a massive help & drove me all around getting shit done. I had to leave a few things behind for Matt to pick up, and just plain lave a few things behind. I wasn't too pleazed, but they're just things. All the important stuff is on its way out here, #1 being my hermit crabs. The little d00dz are in a container at my feet right now, nomming on banana bits. They have gone from "WTF IS GOING ON?!" to "OK This Is Weird..." to "Can This Be Over Now Plz?" and are doing very well, all things considered.

Frontier Airlines = Rad az Shit! :D Super smooth ride, charming flight attendants who take better care of people than any other airline I've flown on, and warm chocolate chip cookies before landing. <3! What more could you ever ask for?! haha...

As we took off from Philly, a huge cloud of FNARRRGGHH seemed to just fall from my body. I took a few deep dreaths & felt myself relax on so many levels... it felt like a sped-up version of the slow peeling off of existential mind-shit that I felt during the roadtrip.

"It's alright, it's alright...
For me it begins at the end of the road..."

Also: For the past 3 days when I woke up, the first thing I thought of was NOT Andy. I was thinking something like "ugh, so tired, still so much to do" or "Yay I woke up to hugs from Eddie & it's my last day here!"

Hail, Eris.

...she said sarcastically, while giving the finger.

I am going to do SO MUCH BETTER out in Seattle, in every possible way.



Posted via LjBeetle

So Guess What?

Today lived up to the reputation of a dozen Februarys past. I have hated this month with a passion for most of my life, because shit like today always seems to find a way to happen.

I ended up staying here an extra day, due to the coming storm and still needing to get shit done, and being really beat overall. Marlyn came by to hang for a bit and take a look at my shelves, and she'll probably pick them up later this week.

I fell asleep for a bit, while laying down and trying to keep my stomach from lurching its way out of my body... it's really been awful lately due to stress and frustration. London left while I was sleeping to go spend the night with Jess. The original plan was apparently to have her over tonight. Just couldn't WAIT, could he? He left today knowing full well that I would be long gone by the time he returns from work tomorrow. He didn't even attempt to say goodbye. I felt so ridiculous for crying... thankfully that was short-lived, because he wasn't worth shedding a single tear over. He was never worth any of the heartache he put me through, because whenever it actually mattered, he was simply not there.

So now I know 2 human beings that can be classified as invertebrates; the other is someone from years ago. And I sent him a text that told him that I hope he grows a spine some day, and hope never to see him again.

At least he's been pretty consistent, though... which is more than I can say for some people.

Within an hour of this, Andy told me he was rather pleased to hear about the above horseshit, and also told me not to let the door hit me on the ass on the way out of town. Rather publicly... on Facebook. Because apparently we're still in high school & he's 12. I love knowing what a badass he thinks he is, yet he's still too scared to say anything to my face. It makes me feel even more sorry for himthan ever. He's going to lead a very lonely, bitter life as he keeps along this path. It's a shame when someone with so much good inside them and so much intelligence, creativity, and potential for greatness just wastes those qualities on being afraid of the very things that make life worth living. It's pathological, really.

I sure know how to pick 'em, don't I?

London had no reason other than simply being selfish & a coward; Andy is pissed, I guess, because I spoke up like a decent fucking human being in the interest of good people not getting hurt. See the previous entry for that "He can go fuck a unicorn" thing. Yeah, pretty much. Except knowing I'm more of a quality human being than either one of those fuckers doesn't really help, when I'm the one being shat upon by both, simultaneously.

I've never been more DONE with a place, a situation, or ANYTHING, in my entire life. Neither of them are the reason I'm leaving, but both combined to form the last straw & push me right over the cliff. I will never call this shithole town my home ever again.

I wasn't upset about Andy, though believe it or not. He's just fucked up like that. But with him, you never really know... he may even have considered it as doing me a favour and helping me move on. Unlikely, but stranger things have most certainly happened, specifically where he is concerned. I'm not wasting any more energy on thinking about it, though. All of this just makes it that much easier to leave, and I feel about 50 lbs lighter, thankfully.

Fuck You, Philadelphia.

I hope you sink into the fucking ocean, and take New Jersey with you.

I would truthfully rather die than ever live here again.


Update Before Heading Out

I'm feeling extra Welsh today. I wanna go eat some Shepherd's Pie & drink dark beer & sing of Gwydion & Owain's adventures. Not sure why. Just sayin'.

It didnt ice up all that badly, so the one day I was really hoping for the weather to allow me to stay in bed, it didn't. Oh well, I need to be gone by the end of today, anyhow. After working with Dad I'll need to get some coffee & head back here to really crank thru the last of the packing.

As usual, there's been stupid drama... I think it always gets worse this time of year with the crap wather & people not having a whole lot better to do. And as usual, my main problem is that I care too damn much, and after months of taking too much shit from people & not speaking up about things like I always prided myself on, I have opened my mouth again. Technically, it was none of my bizness; I'll admit to that. But it involved 3 people I would like to not see get hurt or needlessly involved in a drama shitshorm. And one of those people is more or less going to be an innocent victim who does not deserve this in the least. So people can be angry with me all they want for infringing upon their childish fantasies & inconsiderate behaviours. God forbid I tell someone to grow up or another that they can do better. Real friends tell you THE TRUTH.

I will NEVER apologize for warning good people that they are walking into a danger zone. And anyone who feels differently about this can go fuck a goat. Or in this specific case, a Big Sparkly Rainbow Unicorn. (don't ask)

In other n00z at this hour: I'm seeing snow in the forecast for Friday. I look forward to discovering, in a month or so, how many new grey hairz that worrying about my flight being delayed has caused. At least I have 2 friends that work at Philly International, so if I get held up, I can probably go say hai to them. I'm also worried about my hermit crabs coming on the plane with the new, non-improved TSA rules, but someone who knows gave me some advice for that.

Overall, things are coming along... I didn't sell a lot of the things I'd hoped to make some $ on, but have a decent chunk coming my way from one last gig + my tax return. As far as I know, my W2 should arrive at my new place next week. My old boss got back to me yesterday & wished me luck. :)

Things I Have Learned Recently/Guidelines for Seattle:

1.) Have fun & keep things simple.
2.) Don't fuck any more evil wizardz.
3.) Focus on my own life, getting a job, etc before worrying about *anything* else.
4.) Get more excersize and attempt to establish a sleep schedule. This shouldn't be too hard with all the walking I'll be doing. :)
5.) Almost everybody's cheering me on & wishing me the best. And for the few that aren't, fuck 'em.
6.) Enjoy how welcoming & awesome people are being towards me so far, but remember that drama can happen anywhere & trust is a thing to be earned. Keep both eyes open.
7.) Keep the steampunk element in life, play guitar more, find people to make stuff with rather than just hang out, and take it all with a grain of salt.
8.) That being said, don't let anything hold you back. Don't be afraid of getting close to people. Go with the flow.

I have a few dates & hangouts set up, people I'm looking forward to seeing again or meeting for the first time, shows to look forward to, and generally a whole new life ahead of me. The last time I felt anywhere near this fresh & optimistic was after graduating from Full Sail.

It's still going to take me longer to heal from the past several months than I'd like to be the case... but what's the hurry? Th wounds that feel really deep right now will fade into the background once I'm gone from here. It happened before, it will happen again.

And now, to deal with Northeast Philly for the LAST TIME.

w00t unto that!!!


Posted via LjBeetle

The Haunted Spaceship!



*dies laughing, reanimates, gets back to packing*


And just like that, it's finished.

I feel better now. I did the right thing, and that's something to feel good about, no matter who else may not be capable, or may have simply decided that they aren't capable of doing so.

Suddenly, it's become so much easier to leave.


Five Days to Go...

I just booked my flight to Seattle...

Barring any more blasted freaking snowstorms, I will be taking off from Philly International at 5:06pm next Friday, February 4th. I planned to leave earlier, but so much left to do + cheaper flights on a Friday pushed it back.

I'm thinking back tonight on the reasons why I'm leaving, and what I am leaving behind. I am not gonna pull any punches, or lock this entry so as not to offend or embarass...

It is what it is: Honesty & Liberty.

As much as Philadelphia has made me feel like a tree that's been trying (and failing) to grow through a crack in broken asphalt, there are certain things I am very grateful for... others I am more than glad to leave behind. Those things and people, I will leave out...

Let's focus on the Good Stuff :)

Matt & Amber: I give it one week before the furious wishing that you were still just a crappy bus ride away reduces me to tears. I wish you could be sharing this adventure with me, and the biggest downside to moving will be not having you guys around. You'll always be my family, both of you, and all your little furballz. Visit me, or die. :D I'll build a raygun & everything... and yes, it will be shaped like a dick. Expect nothing less!

Eddie: Shit's been interesting over the last 10 years, to say the least. I know you're feeling kinda stuck & wondering what to do next, but I also know you're gonna go on to amazing things in your life... Just dont let too much time go by; go after it! And you always have the option of trying out the Pacific NW. I really can't wait to see a show with you out there... Next time Soundgarden plays, drop everything -- I'm flying you out! :D

James: I can't even sum up the five years we spent together. I want you to know that a large part of why I am such a strong and positive person now is because of you, despite all our rough times... or perhaps because of them. Don't ever stop moving forward with your life or in your career... And thank you from my heart for everything in the past, and for your commitment to helping 4Qf grow into the future.

Leah: I'm already super excited for your visit in the Spring! We're going to have a blast! :D I hope you're up for some serious walking by then, cause I am gonna drag you everywhere, haha... I'm still only a text or a call away, like always. It makes me very happy to not having a single doubt about us staying in touch. Thank you for always being there, even if we don't see eachother often. I hope things improve for you in many ways in the coming year.

Jon Wolff: It means more than I was able to say that we got to spend some time together before I left. I wish there had been more time... and I mean that on a lot of levels. Maybe in an alternate universe, maybe somewhere, things worked out the way we planned once upon a time... Remember that someone out there loves you, no matter what. <3

Tyler: Even if you ride your high wheel across America, you better visit me someday! In fact, now that I've mentioned it, you probably will; it wouldnt surprise me. :P There's no doubt you will be a success in whatever you end up doing. I will miss your beardly brand of craziness more than you will know!

Jonathan: You truly are one of the best friends anyone could ask for. I actually don't know what to say that can't be better expressed with a monstrous hug! Thank you for your faith in me, for being a dark bottomless pit of all the crazy shit I can't admit to anyone else, and for just being YOU. I love you to bloody bits and pieces! ;)

Gil: Your various awesomeness & wonderful events have had a bigger effect on my life than you know. We became friends when my life was pulling the rug out from under me every chance it got, and you listened to my blarghz and offered such kindness & support without judging... You're one of the very few people I trust, and if you ever need a hand, or an ear, or whatever, just ask. I hope you'll visit before too long!

Many Thanks to EVERYONE who's reading this, just for being you, and for being a part of my life. I hope you'll all keep in touch, and come visit me in Seattle!


"Looking for Love on All The Wrong Spaceships"

That just occurred to my brain, and vast amusement commenced.

I'm cranky & cynical today... thankfully there is a great weekend to look forward to.

That is all.


Posted via LjBeetle
Back in Philly, and I've been out every night since, despite this bitch of a cold.

That didn't really kick in til Saturday morning though, and I'm doing my best to sing through it, as practice for the song I'm performing at this month's Dorian's Parlor I've gotten a lot of support in doing so, for which I am very grateful. It's apparently not a surprise anymore, since Gil announced that I was doing so at an acoustic "Dorian's Presents" show with Eli August earlier this evening. But that's alright... I'm rather nervous and excited for it! :)

I am really going to miss my friends here, but I know I will be much happier overall in Seattle, and look forward to finding steadier employment there, as well as having more opportunities to sell my crafts. I'm putting a lot more time into working on that stuff lately, and as of tomorrow I'll be putting a bit more effort & fun into myself! The lovely Thain, with assistance from Gil, Becky, and Brenna, will be helping me amp up my sexit00d & wizardry. As someone who understands what it is to be genderqueer and not always in alignment with one's biological components, I think Thain will be really be able to help me find my own flavour of sexiness. I haven't been sure how to go about finding it on my own in recent times, so I look forward to seeing where tomorrow leads!

I have been wanting to SHOUT with JOY about something... Something I've wanted so much and for so long, something that turned out to be so wonderfully comfortable, and sweet, and lovely, and intense, and just... ohh, I don't think there's even a word to really do it justice. I sound sappy & ridiculous, and I just don't care! Far better than being heartsick and torn up, as in months past. Even though I'll never understand or be able to explain it, that doesn't matter anymore. I know where things are, I know where we stand, and I savour every second and every memory... because somehow, and despite it all, few things in the known universe can light me up in the same way. I accept everything that it is, and what isn't. And somewhere in between, in its own strange little space... That's where it will stay... in my heart.


Rise ~ Performed by Eddie Vedder when he crashed Conan O'Brien's live tour in Seattle

I've been trying all day to get focused & get things done, and have met with sporadic success. Computer fail, tiredness, and distraxionz have abounded.

It's been a craaaaaaazy ass trip since I arrived here. It's been hard for me to even wrap my head around it all, but I am not complaining!

I will likely be writing these travel stories into a new book, if I ever end up doing more work on the first one, even. :)

I've met some excellent people so far, and have been out hitting the streets every day but today, putting out applications and exploring the city. Hoping to see some apts tmrw & weds, but I will more than likely just come back to the awesome hostel I'm staying in right now. Today i caught up on sleep and laid low, but tomorrow I'll be out & about again. In the morning, I'll book my flight & extend my reservation here, get more resumes printed off, and lurk around at various venues, in search of techs to talk to about finding work. Went by the Paramount the other night, but all I found were touring staff who didn't know the info I was looking for.

Tomorrow night, I may take up an invitation that was extended to me under rather awkward circumstances, in the hopes that it will ease the way towards certain goals & not make things any weirder. I may hang with some interesting people that I've come to know recently, through an individual of such quality that he is probably out of my league. I am fucking IMPRESSED with him. And I can't believe how hard Friday night hit me -- even by my usual standardz. Hopefully things will unfold how I wish they will, because I want this so badly, I can TASTE it... and damn, if it isn't one of the most delicious things I've ever known.

Integrity. Honesty. Humour and intelligence. Art & design, plus geekery. Great taste in music, eyes that sparkle like the ocean, and passion that simmers just below the surface, waiting to blow up... Neither of us are at all ready for this, and half of it's been like doing the backstroke thru gallons of awkwardsauce. But there's *something* there, and it is glorious... Time will let it be known.

Going to attempt to send more SRS BZNS type emails now, and quit being distracted by the fact he said "blanket00d", entirely of his own volition... and keep my mind from wandering back to Capitol Hill on Friday, which was possibly the best night of my life.




Here I Am, Rock You Like a Hurricane.

^^Click That. :D

I tried to just embed it but LJ wouldn't let me size it properly. Stupid Internetz.

Sometime soonly, I will be making real posts of epic awesomeness. The journey out here was the trip of a lifetime! Drove from Philly to Seattle thru Indianapolis, Denver, Eugene, and Olympia over the span of 4 days. Got a lot of random pix on my Droid, but really wish I had been able to find my HD camera in time for the journey.

At any rate, I arrived in Seattle yesterday, and right now, I am about to commence job hunting & exploring downtown!

It's *LONG* past time for me to have made this kind of change.... I've only been daydreaming about it for the past 10 years! There are thankfully many jobs that are well-suited to someone with my background, and I hope to find one soon & be moved out here permanently within a month's time.

Wish me Luck!!!



Is it 2011 yet?

Pearl Jam ~ Let Me Sleep

^^Best Holiday Song EVER. (plus some random band ramblingz)

Oh, when I was a kid... Oh, how magic it seemed...
Oh, please let me sleep, it's Christmas time..."

So I changed my profile info... it was out of date with broken links, crap i didn't want in there anymore, plus I am 29 now, not 28. YAY, OLDZ. (hehe, not really tho)

I also changed the location to Seattle. Why not, my brain is already there anyway. :P

No idea why I'm still up... (not newz!) I'm pretty tired, but inexplicably antsy. Didn't make much more progress on packing today, but I'm getting there. I guess after my neck feeling evil & being Ded from Ladytimez all day, I got some energy from leftover Chinese food? South Garden makes orange chicken like no other. I'm not gonna try to eat the orange peelz again though. Texture = Bad.

Tried talking to London tonite. That was pretty pointless. He's pretty much tra la la, bizness as usual, whateverz in terms of our breakup and my moving out of the room/house/timezone. I can't tell if that makes it easier or what. I guess I just feel rather cold about it at this point... numb. Feels like I'm gonna be gone in a few weeks, and it's gonna be like I was simply never here to begin with. He'll just go along his merry way with Jess, and she'll be able to come over here again, and no one will challenge him on anything anymore, he'll be able to be lazy as he damn well pleases & they'll both keep on with their dead-end jobs & living in their bubble, and I will be totally forgotten. Which makes me feel GREAT, lemme tell you, even moreso, about all the shit I took & how much I put him first over the last several months. Real nice payoff, there, what with him not giving a damn.

If the situation were reversed, I'd be having a rough time imagining being here without him. But then again, I tend to give much more of a shit than most people do, and that's often what gets me into trouble. It's hard. But at least he's not coming to the epic New Year's party I will be attending, so I won't have to look at the two of them making out at midnight and thus wanting to break things. I'm dead certain that no consideration whatsoever would be given towards my feelings at all in such matters (why would they start now?) so that's a relief. It'd be very nice if I had someone to kiss that night, but such is life. I'd rather be alone than settle for far less than I deserve.

Dignity: Comfort so cold, it has a windchill.

As usual, when it comes to Christmas itself, my mood is as follows: *yawn* :looks at watch: Can we be done now? My younger siblings will be screaming and galloping all over the house, my dad will be yelling at them to pipe down cause it's interrupting the television, there will probably be a horribly awkward argument of some kind between the parents, I will be bored far beyond all recognition and wanting to go home (Oh, wait! I don't really HAVE a home anymore, right... half my life's in boxes and waiting to me moved or sold...) And that will very likely be that. I'm going to try to go see my mom & brother on Xmas day, and that will probably be a disaster somehow, but whatever. I want Mikey to know I at least put an effort into trying to see him, whatever the case may be, and no matter how retardedly his parents decide to behave.

I hate to sound like a humbug, but I really find this entire season rather tiresome... I can't wait til it's over. I do look forward to Leah's show at the Ottobar in Baltimore on the 29th, and to January 5th (or thereabouts) when I will be arriving in Seattle for a recon mission! I'll hopefully meeting some internet friends and having fun while plastering the town with resumes. I'm trying to meet some new friends via OKCupid before going out there, in the hopes of not being lonely as hell for the first few months. I've been talking to two guys so far, and have messaged a few girls, and hope they respond. I'm not looking for dates, just snazzy new people to hang with when I get out there. Seems like the overall quality of humans is much higher than here; ~big surprise~ :P

I am SO ready for a new adventure!


Pearl Jam ~ Gone

for the lights of this city...
they have lost all feeling...
gonna leave 'em all behind me,
cause this time...

I'm gone

Today (the 23rd) was Eddie Vedder's birthday, and I spent part of it watching concert videos and relaxing. The audio company they use is on my list of places to send a resume to in Seattle.

Hey, it could happen.



Brain Cloudz

Maybe it's just because I'm dumb enough to be listening to Grooveshark playlists I made over the summer, but I've been fighting off a small, creeping sadness all day.

It's been strange. I spent a fair bit of this evening laughing my ass off at random internet asshattery, and had fun playing Scrabble with talkischeap as she recovers from her foot/ankle surgery... but I kept on catching myself, remembering my days in this awesome house are winding down.

It kinda sucks.

London is pretty much going about his bizness as if nothing is wrong, and it's not that I want to see him upset or something, but it would be nice to see that this is affecting him at all. I think he's just not processing it because he doesn't know how to, and it's probably not going to hit him til well after I am gone. He scared the shit out of me last night by going for a walk for some fresh air (asthma problems) and not coming back for several hours. It turns out the g00ftard just went to see TRON and turned his phone off. :P And they call ME the spaceship...

I have a phone appointment with Full Sail Careers tmrw morning at 9:30, and should probably get some sleep so I can be coherent for that... I tried to work on my resume some more tonite, but my brain was basically like "Nope. Look, butterflies!" I did get some more NW research done though, and am very pleased about the availability of cool house shares I found on Seattle Craigslist, that are similar to the vibe of this place, and who seem to have very friendly/open-minded people living there... and many are surrounded by trees & well within my price range. So that's certainly something to be happy about. There are also an abundance of coffeeshop jobs (well, duh -- it's Seattle) available that pay something close to a living wage, including tips. Many also have health benefits, which would be ideal. I don't think I would have too much trouble landing one of those and picking up part-time gigs to start out. I'm really looking forward to it, on more levels than I can even say... but the sadness surrounding the end of my relationship with London and leaving this house is definitely creating a weird dichotomy.

Still somewhat weirded out, but in the best of ways, about the convo with Andy this weekend. I just keep thinking "what are the odds..." And yes, I still miss him. But just a little bit, and that's OK. It's easier to admit to that & let it be, than to pretend it isn't there & try to bury it.

Guess I don't actually have a whole lot to say, my brain is just sort of hovering around aimlessly, in that "I don't have enough to do, except I have a million things to do, except I can't really focus on any of it" kinda state... If that even makes any sense.

One thing I know, though, is that tomorrow's Solstice gathering here at the house will be much fun, and New Year's Eve is going to Rock. I may even be taking a short trip to Seattle just after the first, for some general recon, and job/apt hunting. :)

It's always nice having cool things to look forward to.


Well, Shee-itt...

Tonight's Dorian's Parlor was one of the best nights I've had in a long while. And I must say, it was lovely to relax & enjoy it instead of running around like crazy, hanging lights & mixing sound. It seemed wonderfully luxurious to be at a show & Not Stressing because I Wasn't Working! What a rare & lovely occurrence!

Got to see a number of great people I'd missed, nearly started a riot with said people afterwards at IHOP (slow, dumbass waiter and we were all STARVING), laughed my ass off at so many hilarious occurrences, had an amazingly insightful tarot reading that confirmed or explained everything I could've hoped it would... and there was a conversation that I never thought would really happen, not in a thousand years...

"Well, you know better than most that I'm actually a real person underneath it all..."
"Yeah, I do know, and that's probably exactly why you pushed me away."

And he agreed.

I Was Right. After all the bullshit & aggravation... I Was Right.

And now I have another job lead/reference that gives me a leg up in moving to the Pacific Northwest. ;D

Much hilarity ensued throughout the evening, and much more was discussed & clarified, but it's almost incidental. I got to Not Kill Anyone, Avoid Further Drama, Say Things that Needed Saying, Have a Blast... and I Was Right.

It's really kind of ridiculous how much better that makes me feel.


I'm Still Here


She said to me, over the phone,
She wanted to see other people.
I thought, "Well then, look around. They're everywhere"
Said that she was confused...
I thought, "Darling, join the club"
24 years old, Mid-life crisis...
Nowadays, hits you when you're young.
I hung up, She called back, I hung up again.
The process had already started.
At least it happened quick.
I swear, I died inside that night...
My friend, he called,
I didn't mention a thing.
The last thing he said was, Be sound...
I contemplated an awful thing, I hate to admit.
I just thought those would be such appropriate last words.
But I'm still here...
And small.
So small...
How could this struggle seem so big?
So big...
While the palms in the breeze still blow green,
And the waves in the sea still absolute blue,
But the horror...
Every single thing I see is a reminder of her.
Never thought I'd curse the day I met her.
And since she's gone and wouldn't hear...
Who would care? What good would that do?
But I'm still here...
So I imagine in a month... or 12
I'll be somewhere having a drink,
Laughing at a stupid joke,
Or just another stupid thing...
And I can see myself stopping short,
Drifting out of the present...
Sucked by the undertow and pulled out deep,
And there I am, standing...
Wet grass and white headstones all in rows.
And in the distance there's one, off on its own.
So I stop, kneel...
My new home.
And I picture a sober awakening,
a re-entry into this little bar scene.
Sip my drink til the ice hits my lip,
Order another round...
And that's it for now.
Never been too good at happy endings...